Dear Daddy (DRAFT – Flossie)
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In the morning, there is sun. That’s what Mommy said. Sun in the morning. Her hands play in the light with all its scattered its and bits, can’t catch them, they whip and whirl like little fish through her fingers. I open my mouth to the light, maybe I can eat them, but they don’t taste like anything. It just feels warm, like sitting in the bath. I see them in the morning when Mommy comes to let the sun in. They dance and twirl; they are so tiny tiny tiny. I am so small, but they are smaller still. They are so many, but only in the sun. They are sun babies, Mommy says. I can’t find them in the dark. The moon has no babies.
I am running. Mommy is chasing me and I am screaming. I can feel her just behind me, a creeping, tickling fear where my neck meets my body. She is almost there; she has almost got me. I know it is Mommy but the fear is still there – the fear of touch where there was none. Where will I feel it? I don’t know and that is fear. It is thrilling. I scream with joy when she grabs me by my side and throws me in the air. Her face is in my belly. I am laughing laughing laughing. I never know where her touch will find me. That is the tickle in my neck.
Daddy! My arms in the air, hands stretching. I want my fingers to grow. He lifts me and kisses me, sets me down. They are talking talking talking. Always talking. But they smile and I smile and they kiss and I grab Daddy’s leg. Look look look at me! I feel his hand on my head, like when Mommy washes my hair and it feels heavy and drips. But warm, like the sun. Then he is gone.
I don’t know where he goes. He always comes back, but I don’t know where he goes. Sometimes I cry. I cry and cry and don’t stop until Mommy picks me up and we dance. She pokes my sides and tummy and I laugh. She puts me in my chair, my special big girl chair, and gives me cheery ohs and apple and I am happy. I tell her it is ummy and I have cheery ohs on my chin and she laughs at me.
Mommy works. Tap tap tap on buttons. She taps on buttons very quickly and they make letters. It sounds like my bucket when I leave it in the rain.
I run. I am an airplane! My arms dip and rise and I jump! over the rug mountains. I land in bed. Under the covers, there is a city. I push my legs up and hold the covers over me to look at the city. The sun shines through and lights up the city. I talk to the man-in-charge and poke him. Daddy says he is the man-in-charge when I will not take my bath or I will not eat my food. The man-in-charge in the city will not take his bath and I tell him to go to bed. My hand is a horse with finger legs and he rides it home. My hands are horses riding over the city and my knees are hills. They run run run so fast and when they jump it is like they are flying.
I want to do my letters. I tell Mommy I want to do my letters and she gets my special book and red marker (I hate the blue marker and I hate the black marker). She sits with me and opens my book and I look at the letters. They are so pretty. I try and try but I can’t write them so pretty. Mommy holds the marker with her fingers. I can’t do that. She makes the paper so nice and I mostly rip it on accident.
Daddy! I want to write Daddy letters. Mommy smiles and says ok ok What do you want to tell Daddy? I am biting the red marker and it feels hard in my mouth. It tastes like my doll’s feet but not as sweet. I want to say I love love love him and he should come back. That is not so much to say; I think I can do that. Mommy puts her hand around mine and I hold the marker tight as she helps me make letters. When Mommy helps me, the letters look better. Not so pretty as Mommy’s, but better than mine. Sometimes I make them the wrong way or too big. She helps them look pretty. Neat she says. Like feet I say. She laughs and shakes her head. Mommy’s hair is beautiful and brown and wraps around my fingers when I fall alseep in her lap. It makes loops like mine makes loops because she is my Mommy.
I am making letters and my hand feels hot. The marker makes a squeaky sound like the little mouse on tv. Mommy is behind me and my back feels warm. We finish the letters and I tell Mommy to read it. It is I love you and want to see you. I clap my hands and kiss Mommy. Is that all? she says. No no, more! I say. Say a very silly thing because Daddy is silly and laughs like I laugh. Say a silly secret that will make him laugh. I laugh and jump in the air. I dance around the room and run like the finger horse. I squeak like the mouse on tv. I am so happy I want to fly like an airplane. What’s the secret, Ava? Mommy says and she is laughing too.
The secret is Poop! I bite my fist and roll onto the floor laughing. Mommy tickles me with her fingers and I hear the paper underneath me. It sounds like old brown leaves when it is cold outside.
-flossie
